It was sad at first, sad to let it all go. Let it all wash away, all my feelings about my future, my life, my eventual death. To let out all the fears of how everyone will react over time, the friendships that might be damaged, how everyone will not accept, how I will forever be a little less cynical, a little less sarcastic, a little less who I "was."

Then the most magnificent aspiration washed over me, like a new purpose. I wanted to serve. I never understood that when people say it, that they want to serve God. And I realized that I am now, without any doubts, bound to a life of service rather than a life of wandering. It was joy that hit me, the kind that grabs your heart and squeezes it until your hands are shaking and your eyes are watering over and your heart is beating ten thousand beats a second.

I know, I know that I am still some ways from understanding everything. But halfway through this book I'm reading, The Challenge of Baha'u'llah, I'm already feeling like I have enough. Enough evidence. It's the fact that Baha'u'llah is a convincible prophet, but it’s also, more importantly, the way Baha'is like Stephanie and Luke and Diane are positively glowing when you are near them. Their hearts are filling the whole space with a kind of warmth I never knew existed in this world. And that... that is my evidence. Baha'u'llah, well, he's the real deal. He's created a kind of warmth that only He could create in humanity, and I've gotten the chance to surround myself with it, and just being near it, just for a moment, is all the evidence in the world.


To pull myself back, and just let you know where all this is coming from, I went to the Birth of The Bab ceremony tonight. Before I met up with Stephanie I was reading Baha'i prayers in Starbucks and this old lady walked up to me and in a sweet little voice she told me she thought I was beautiful, that she just wanted me to know, and then she left. I honestly feel like it was really the prayers that were beautiful, brewing around inside me. It was a very moving start to a very beautiful evening. After the service, I was so awkward for quite a while, probably because I didn't know anyone and I'm really hard of hearing in crowded rooms, and I just all over felt like my heart was spilling out over the floor- complete vulnerability. I had just decided to serve God for the rest of my life so a big part of me wanted to run off to some quiet space and pray, but I knew that being around people was important, so I didn't leave. I followed Stephanie around, met people, met more people, met more people. Saw Sonya for a bit. This adorable quiet elderly Persian man that walked up to me at Hush Harbor walked up to me tonight and politely handed me a booklet on Baha'is. Little things like this just are so big in my heart...

Anyway, a ton of people ended up meandering to a Thai restaurant. (Thai food, again!) I got to hang out on the way over with two of my study circle friends, Luke and Joe. Joe is hilarious and Luke... just blows me away; he's just glowing, radiating. I started to get angry at myself for my shyness and then I just thought to myself that deeds are more important than words, that smiling at someone can be just as much, even more. We all ate dinner together, which definitely had its awkward moments, but I found that saying goodbye was difficult. Luke convinced me to take a cab uptown with a few others, so I talked with Luke's brother, Mike, and Diane for the trip up. And I'm seeing them tomorrow, just to go out to a movie late tomorrow night. And then it will seem like absolutely forever until next Thursday, I just know it. I used the word "intoxicating" to describe the experience as I was talking to Sonya, and that is just about right. It's intoxicating in the most glorious way.

Tomorrow I will spend a great deal of time praying, and finishing this book, and reading the Word. I must say, I am shocked at how quickly all of this is happening in my ever-skeptical heart. It's like its been waiting to burst forth for months now and as it bursts forth it just cant stop. I have to start my intense Rape/Abuse Counselor training tomorrow for five hours, as well. But that's a type of service to the community, so I'm not considering it to be work. Right now, it's late, I just came in from the long evening. I think I'm going to head to sleep, and wake early tomorrow to continue this process of blooming and blooming and blooming.

It has begun, and nothing can stop it.
And life will never be the same.